A Strange Relationship Between Feeling Stuck & Change (Book: On the Calculation of Volume V1&2)

"On the Calculation of Volume" is a captivating seven-part series by Danish author Solvej Balle, gradually making its way into English translation, one part at a time. As of now, Volume 1 and Volume 2 are available, with the third volume to be released on November 18, 2025.

The opening book immerses us in the story of Tara Selter, a woman who travels to Paris to meet antiquarian booksellers for the business she runs with her husband, Thomas. What begins as a routine trip soon spirals into a surreal loop; Tara wakes up to the same day, November 18th, over and over again.

Continuing in Volume 1, we journey alongside Tara as she experiences this bizarre predicament and eventually confides in her husband about what is happening to her. Each morning, she wakes to find herself once again living November 18th, the same weather, the same events, but with the full memory of every previous iteration she's lived. This is in contrast to everyone around her: strangers, friends, family, and Thomas, who remain unaware, each day they wake up to November 18th for the first time. Thomas and Tara experiment with trying to stay awake to see if that will allow Thomas to retain his memory, but all it takes is a second of unconsciousness, and the entire day they've spent together is wiped from his memory. In brief, time resets for the world, but it does not for Tara. She remains stuck in a relentless cycle, where her body ages, her hair and nails grow, her wounds heal, but the day itself is always the same.

Balle skillfully conveys the emotional landscape of Tara’s experience, capturing her struggle to make sense of her situation. Feelings of hope, despair, numbness, fear, and withdrawal intertwine as she grapples with the unchanging nature of her days. I was impressed with this narrative, which transcends mere storytelling; it could resonate with anyone who has felt trapped in the relentless repetition of life which seems to alienate them from other people. As readers, we experience the deep sense of helplessness that comes with feeling trapped, perhaps drawing parallels to some of the internal struggles faced by people who have dealt with or are dealing with depression, trauma, and other psychological states.

Although each day appears identical, certain things Tara has used, such as food, disappears from the world. Each time she returns to the grocery store shelves, there is progressively less available. She begins to question her own existence, wondering if she is a 'monster' for taking from the world while feeling so alienated from it. This guilt around resource consumption and self-worth may also be a familiar sentiment for many people who struggle with depression and anxiety.

The author Thomas More suggests that depression, rather than being a void of imagination, can create a space for deeper realizations and reflections (link goes to a YouTube audio reading of a chapter of his on depression). Every life undeniably depends on the world’s resources. When we are detached from the reality of our impact, like buying a box of cookies that magically seems to restock itself the next day, we may lose sight of the complex connections we are part of. In this section of the novel, I see a parallel: depression, in all its complexity, can at times illuminate real insights about our existence in the world, fostering a heightened awareness of our environment and our place within it.

From my point of view, challenges arise when the depressive mindset crystallizes. In that stuckness, it warps observations into a narrative of personal inadequacy, convincing individuals of their “badness” or “uselessness.” This distorted thinking fosters a sense of being trapped with no escape and perpetuates the belief that change is impossible. Yet the very nature of existence is transformation: change is inevitable, unstoppable.

An inspirational quote about the possibility of change written in green cursive over a photo of a flower stem in a clear glass on a dark blue background.

Here is a passage from Volume 2 that I found emotionally striking and that begins to answer the question above. In it, Tara talks about her "seasons book," a journal of sorts that tells her where in Europe she can go on November 18th to experience the weather as it would be if time were still moving forward. In other words, where to go for a few months of winter, spring, summer, and fall at the 'proper' times. Tara reflects:

“Suddenly I see that this is how my life will be, year after year. That my seasons book is my manual, my traveling companion, my guide. That what I am building is my future. If I am to have a future I must have years, and if I am to have years, I must have seasons. Without seasons, no time. If I want seasons, I will have to build them myself.”

These words resonated deeply with me. They reveal Tara’s realization that she can forge something meaningful within an ostensibly hopeless situation. Amid her despair, curiosity drives her beyond the familiar, propelling her to seek the elusive next season she longs to create. She travels to many places she has never been, alone; she travels differently and begins to see the things and people around her in a new way.

In this pivotal moment, Tara begins to awaken to the realization of the essence of change, both its tangible nature and her perception of what change is. It does not lie in the external world but rather within herself.

Amid her despair, Tara’s curiosity and yearning propels her away from what is familiar—her husband, her home, the streets of Paris, and the faces of her colleagues. She embarks on a quest to create what she longs for but has not yet found. This happens concurrently, inside of, a situation of incomprehensible repetition. Somehow it is within that strange situation, that we might say that Tara is now living her most spontaneous, most varied life. Tara is now in motion, breaking free from the confines of her past existence and beginning to ignite change, even alongside monotony. Through this journey, she is starting to understand how transformation takes shape from within. Within this passage, we can begin to uncover answers to the nuanced and complicated question of how everything can evolve while simultaneously feeling unchanged, or the reverse.

Often, when we notice that our lives have become stagnant and trapped in a cycle of repetition, we find ourselves in a chaotic phase of transition that can feel as though everything is unraveling. We become intensely conscious of our bodies and emotions, grappling with nagging questions, such as: “Is there any hope for me?," "Is this truly wise?,” and "What happens if I venture further than I ever have before?"

A photo of a narrow city street with the word "Yours" written in blue lights above.

These are also sincere questions that arise in psychotherapy and somatic practices. As we repeat and revisit, we begin to engage in both big and small ways that at first we may not be able to envision could bring relief. The unfolding process often surprises us and may lack clarity in the moment. Yet transformation is occurring as we create new paths and encounter a range of emotions, some uncomfortable, others inviting. Ultimately, we will reach a tipping point and recognise that everything in this world is subject to change.

In Tara’s story, she evolves from passively awaiting the world and time to “restart” to actively pursuing her own rhythms, orchestrating change through her choices. In this transformative process, she effectively restarts and (re?)discovers herself.

In the thick of it all, it can be challenging, if not impossible, to recognize that what we interpret as setbacks, stagnations, or failures are actually stepping stones toward a new and different future. This confusion may stem from many sources, including emotional remnants of the past intruding upon our present reality. The revelations we uncover along the way may astonish us.

On the days when life feels more stagnant than dynamic, more impossible than feasible, let’s hold onto Tara’s story about the experiential nature of self-transformation. Perhaps allowing ourselves more gentleness and compassion, no matter where we may be in relation to where we hope to go. Perhaps too we can allow for the possibility that doubt, pessimism, and fear are often natural companions along the way, not always signs that things are 'off' or going wrong somehow. One way to think about the goal of therapeutic work is not to eliminate 'negative' feelings (although they may disappear in their own time), but to develop the strength and curiosity to experience and explore them when they arise, and to make use of the insights they may offer.

We can begin to learn how to meet all these feelings, to experience them, and to take in the knowledge they offer, without being overwhelmed or descending into an emotional despair that perpetuates itself. We can come to appreciate the gifts of depression, creating an experiential knowledge we can draw upon with wisdom and sensitivity. In my work with clients, this is a line of inquiry and a space I always hope to help create.

To say it briefly: one unexpected way to escape repetition is to begin showing up to the possibility of taking a different position toward the emotions we struggle with as they arise. This is more than a mental or theoretical exercise; in fact, it must be more if it is to truly take root and blossom into change. Just as Tara gets up, begins to move, and explores foreign lands, we too may need to recognise that movement, even within stagnation and repetition, is both possible and essential, and may look and feel quite different from what we have imagined.

If we can meet these possibilities and emotions as they are (rather than as we wish them to be), and take in the knowledge they offer without devolving into harsh self-judgment, criticism, or despair, then one day we may wake to the elusive season we have been seeking on the path to change.